Time to Get Real

It's time to GET REAL. 

This isn't the type of post you're expecting, I guarantee it. If you want a "life is rosy and perfect" post you better leave now.

Truth.

I have to constantly battle against that voice in the back of my head that says "you're not doing enough, you're not good enough, you need to push harder and do more and be more otherwise no one will love you". No one will love you. This is one of those lies that runs around in my head, a lie I have to battle constantly.

Something has come to my attention recently that was really shocking and I want to put the record straight. A good friend and I were chatting over lunch and I was talking (complaining, actually) about never getting asked out by men (I'm single, btw) and she said "Cat, you're intimidating to people who don't know you well, you seem too perfect."

Huh? Intimidating? Perect? Me? WTF? I'm a pussycat, a tender heart, a mush. Intimidating? And I'm sure as hell not perfect, far from it.

So I asked around and the consensus was that my friend was right. It seems that the way I'm perceived is far from the way I truly am. I think it's because I always put a positive spin on things, try to stay upbeat when times are tough, I don't let on when I'm struggling. I learned to do this at a VERY young age. It was a self-protection thing.

One of my friends told me recently "Cat, a couple of years ago you were struggling with an incurable disease, watching your father slowly die, and having your marriage fall apart all at the same time, and I didn't know you had a single care in the world. It looked like you had it all together."

Wow. Had it all together? Not. Even. Close. We're talking nervous breakdown territory. I was on the verge of totally self-annihilation. 

So here's the point I want to make with this ridiculously long post. I don't have it all together, not even close. So, here's my resolution for 2015- GET REAL. Get really, really, really freaking REAL. I'm telling you this so you won't be surprised when you see I don't have it all together. It may get messy, and even a little ugly at time. It may be surprising, and you may want to look away, but it will definitely be real. Can you handle it? Can I? I guess we're about to find out. 

In the spirit of GETTING REAL, here's me, no filter, no makeup. This is me as I sit writing this, warts and all. Literally. See that band-aid on my hand? I have a wart. Gross. And my finger nails have been gnawed down to stubs, it's a life-long habit that I can't seem to break. (I'm biting right now as I proofread this post) Nail biting is so disgusting, and I do it. Every day. I even know the WHYs behind doing it and I still can't stop. More on that in a separate post. And I'm wearing my son's lovely green North Face jacket because my old drafty house is really freaking cold even with the heat blasting and if I turn the thermostat any higher I may blow my utility budget for the month. Yes, I live on a budget, a VERY tight budget. Surprising? Plus, the jacket is really soft and makes me feel comfortable even when I'm super anxious and stressed, like I am right now. Oh, and my puffy eyes? My eyes are puffy because I woke up with hives after a night of terrifying dreams. The hives are new, never had them until three months ago. And they suck! The dreams? I have them all the time. Not dreams as much as terrors. It's bad, really, really bad stuff. And the worst part is that it's true stuff, real stuff that's happened to me, stuff that I don't talk about. Scary stuff. Geez, just look what one silly, REAL photo can reveal about a person. Time to make a smoothie and a BIG cup of strong coffee and get on with living my (imperfect) life. Have a real day!


Posted on January 8, 2015 .